Problems Like Animals

Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor and said
Doctor I have come on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated fully within this period.
Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic, see that board.
Man: No, Doctor, I have come to you only
Doctor: But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist. I do not treat human beings.
Man: I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only…
Doctor: I can not, because you speak like me, think like me, talk like me which means you are a human being and not an animal.
Man: I know I am a human but listen to my complaints first:
Doctor: OK. Tell me.
Man: I sleep like a dog thinking about my work load whole night.
I get up in the morning like a horse
I work all the day like a donkey
I run around for 11 months like a bull without any holiday.
I wag my tail in front of all my bosses
I play with my children like a monkey if I get time.
I am like a rabbit before my wife
Doctor: are you a software engineer?
Man: Yes
Doctor: Instead of telling this long history you should have told me in the beginning itself that you are are a software engineer. Come man, no one can treat you better than me.

Tried to Tell you

I tried to tell you I love you
but the words were hard to find.
I’m always thinking about you
you’re the only one on my mind.
Oh why do I act so shy forever hiding my face
I should learn to laugh and not to cry put yourself in my place.
There were times I tried to kiss you but something told me no.
You wanted me to hold you but I
kept letting you go.
I’m afraid that I am not the guy
you’ve searched for all these years.
I will kindly leave now don’t you cry
try to hold back your tears.
It’s been so long I haven’t seen you
for quite awhile
When I think of how we me met it only
brings back your smile.
I remember when I held you then and
told you we’d never part
I loved you then I love you now and
I’ll hold you in my heart

Good One on Men

Thought 1

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?

Thought 2

The average man’s life consists of :
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too.

Thought 3

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, ‘If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.’
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, ‘Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.’ The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. ‘Who are you?’
‘I am your guardian angel,’ the voice answered.
‘Oh, yeah?’ the man asked ‘And where the hell were you when I got married?’

Thought 4
This is the best!!!

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced ‘Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life.’ Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, ‘My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.’

The whole audience including priest started laughing…. …… but not the poor groom!

True Colors

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?”
The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, “Sure!”
The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, “352.”

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, “You’re right! O.K., I’ll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock.”

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, “O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?”

Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday !

Twas the month before Christmas when all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying nor taking a stand.
Why the PC Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas – no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
It might hurt people’s feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a ” Holiday “.
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get at it!
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
As Targets are hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe’s the word Christmas – was no where to be found.
At K-Mart and Staples and Penny’s and Sears
You won’t hear the word Christmas; it won’t touch your ears.
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-is-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Hillary Clinton !
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
So as you celebrate “Winter Break” under your
“Dream Tree” Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday !

Go Ahead..Drink & Drive !

When God Meets Bureaucracy!!

In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part.
Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, “Let there be light.” Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light “Day” and the darkness “Night.” Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, “Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as manyseed.” The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, “Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth.” Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before…

At this point God created Hell!

Logic !!!

After having failed his exam in “Logistics and Organization”, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student : “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”

Professor : “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”

Student : “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an “A” for the exam. “

Professor : “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

Student : “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?”

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical.”

Kill Ego & Save Love

Once upon a time there was an island ,
where all the feelings lived together .

One day there was a storm in the sea and the island was about to get drowned.
Every feeling was scared but Love made a boat to escape.
Every feeling boarded the boat . Only 1 feeling was left.
Love got down to see who it was..
It was EGO..
Love tried and tried but ego wasn’t moving also the water was rising.
Every one asked love to leave him and come in the boat, but love was
made to love.

At last all the feelings escape and Love dies with ego on the island..

Love Dies because of EGO .

So,Kill Ego & Save LOVE , It’s Precious!!!!!!

Expectations Expels

A turtle family went on a picnic. The turtles, being naturally slow about
things, took seven years to prepare for their outings. Finally the Turtle
family left home looking for a suitable place. During the second year of
their journey they found it.
For about six months they cleaned up the area, unpacked the picnic basket,
and completed the arrangements.

Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt
would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the
youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home. Although
he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined,
cried, and wobbled in his shell.

He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned.
The family consented and the little turtle left. Three years passed and
the little turtle had not returned. Five years, Six years… Then in the
seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain
his hunger. He announced that he was going to eat and began to unwrap a
sandwich. At that point the little turtle
suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting,
“SEE I knew you wouldn’t wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt.”